2021 had been testing my emotional stability, I had experienced a multitude of feelings, some were completely new to me, I had changed, fallen and stood up, I felt pain, regret, loss, doubt, I have never imagined my life could take as many turns as it did this year.
Reflecting on 2021 had me thinking of what I had gone through, feelings that I was undergoing in a short time frame that I didn’t have the time nor the energy to process properly, trying not to sink in too much, for I was scared for those feelings to shape my reality, to eat me alive. If you are ever going through something similar, where your uncertainty is likely to impact other aspects of your life, then get busy, get busy doing you, watering yourself, because you are probably caring more about saving the relationships you have with others rather than the one you have with yourself.
Processing feelings when they arise is necessary, it seems like an easy job on the surface, identify and label the feeling, give yourself time AND space to feel it, to have a better judgment over it, then decide how you are going to handle it, if you have enough control on it, you can do something about it, else, you will have to cope with it.
We are somehow convinced that happiness is a rush of happy feelings, we have always been told implicitly and explicitly to manifest and embrace “positive” feelings and to suppress “negative” ones, unless you have already stumbled on a book or a person who explained to you that the most mature way is to feel everything, you’ll know that there is no such thing as a “negative” feeling, anything you feel is there to help you expand and grow bigger, suppressing the unpleasant ones will keep them arising until properly felt and dealt with, the longer you ignore them, the more they will build up on each other, forming a pile of discomfort, that will be more difficult to resolve or cope with, feel them but don’t let them rule you, don’t judge yourself for simply having them.
Feelings have less power over us when we acknowledge them instead of pushing them away, there are different approaches to hit this, such as:
Self-help, in the form of reading books/articles or by listening to testimonies of people who have gone through the same thing or by recalling your past life transitions or hardcore you went through where you came out of them alive and better off.
Venting to your go to person, your supportive partner, friend or parent, sometimes you only need to see a different perspective to better assess the options displayed to you.
Escapes, whether alone or in a group, any artistic activity, tripping, journaling, sports, anything that works for you.
A proactive one would be being mindful, present in the moment, it can keep you alert when you are carrying extra tension in the form of unresolved feelings.
Going to therapy, people tend to keep it as a last resort, “no one is going to save you, but you” is always valid, however it is okay to admit that you need external help, although, at the end YOU will do the work.
When the people you trust fail you.
Whether it is with a parent, a relative, a friend, a partner or any other form of relationship you can have, it is traumatizing, but while you can’t change someone’s behavior, you can choose your response to it, most of the cases, frustrated by the trauma it inflicts on you, you deal poorly with it, when you zoom out on the situation, you might hate yourself because you haven’t dealt well with the abuse, you blame yourself for someone else’s damaged behaviors.
Doubt is an enemy I never thought would be that heavy
When you are surrounded by doubts, you are no longer in control of your emotions, the outside world rules you, doubting yourself sucks your soul dry and leaves you curled up in a corner, unable to act on your life, what is most unpleasant is not knowing what is happening, those long periods when something inside you seems to be waiting, unsure about what the next step should be, it is in those periods when you realize that you are being prepared for the next phase of your life, where a new you is about to be revealed
Knowing the fine line (not so fine) between self-love and being selfish
It takes real guts to choose yourself.
Choosing yourself isn’t about being unethical, trampling over others to get on in life, lacking of consideration toward your surroundings, because this is called being an asshole, and generally it has been conflated with self-love.
I am no good to anyone, let alone myself, if my head isn’t right.
Choosing yourself by making choices that will build you up in the long run rather than staying seduced by the allure of instant gratification is not selfishness, you need/have to protect yourself and your peace of mind, you should by no means put yourself in a situation that erodes your mental health and gnaws away your emotional well-being.
We have always been compelled to prioritize our beloved ones happiness over our own/common, rather than making you selfish, self-centered or conceited, choosing you actually equips you to live truthfully and to be the best person you can possibly be, to be there for you and for the people you care about.
I have learnt this the hard way.
This is when I make it up to you for reading something that probably made you ponder your life and is kind of depressive.
*inserts a meme*
The feeling of belonging to a place, a home.
Of course, I am thankful for lots of things, most importantly is to be alive during a pandemic, thankful for having a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes, sunlight, family who loves me, blood related or friends.
“But ?” you are seeing it coming.
But I have lost the feeling of belonging.
Home by my definition, is a place of refuge, whether a physical domicile or a person, where/with whom you feel safe and secure.
What happens when you lose this?
You lose sense of your landmarks, I have lost both this year, no longer being able to call my house home, nor to call my human shelter a home.
And what is like to be homeless?
It is bewildering, disruptive and shakes up your entire existence, it is scary not to have a base, a foundation, a go to person/place.
No rush, give yourself time to heal, it takes time to adjust to a new reality, feeling confused and anxious are part of the transition process, and when things are in disarray, think and reflect upon your dream life, as it gives you hope that things are going to be rearranged. They will eventually.
-I chose me. She said unapologetically.
